Itachi Plus Sugar Equals OOC
by BeastieMaker
Summary: Itachi eats sugar, Chaos ensues. Oneshot. OOC.


**Itachi Sugar OOC**

"You're kidding."

"Do I kid? Listen for the last time Itachi, we have no missions for you."

"But Pein, there must be something."

"For the last time Itachi, you-have-the-day-off! God, get a hobby!"

And with that Pein slammed the door to his study shut. Itachi could only stare blankly at the spot where his leader's face had just been. A hobby? S-ranked missing ninja did had no time for hobbies…He sighed and walked dejectedly down the stairs and into the kitchen. He may as well eat since he had nothing else to do. Of course, that was part of the reason he kept himself so busy. Not many people knew it, but the raven haired Uchiha had a terrible habit of eating when bored.

He rummaged through the various cabinets, seeing what was available, when he heard a squeal and was immediately glomped to the floor. "Hiiiiii Itachi-san!" a voice shrieked in his ear. He inwardly groaned, he'd recognize that voice anywhere. "Hello Tobi." He muttered back "If you would be so kind as to get off my back…" Tobi jumped off Itachi crying "Oh, sorry Itachi-san!" Itachi got up and brushed his cloak off, he looked around the kitchen, Tobi had vanished. He sighed and turned around only to see an orange mask staring back at him, radiating joy. He had to resist the urge to puke.

"Sooo…..I see you're hungry. What're you planning to cook?" Tobi asked gesturing towards the ravaged pantry. "Oh nothing in particular…" there was a slight hostility behind his voice, signs that Itachi was losing his patience with the masked nin. Tobi seemed not to notice. "Then if you don't mind, I'll make you something to eat." Itachi inwardly sighed in relief, he didn't know all that much about cooking. "Fine, I'll be waiting in the dining room." He replied as he walked out of the kitchen.

Various noises came from the kitchen, none of them pleasant. There were crashes, the sound of breaking glass, the occasional smoke detector alarm and at one point swearing that would even make Hidon wince. Finally Tobi arrived from the kitchen carrying what looked like a bowl of blood. He placed on the table in front of Itachi with a flourish. The dark eyed Uchiha looked at the bubbling liquid and then to its creator. Seeing the uncertainty on Itachi's face, he proudly proclaimed "Its tomato soup! Enjoy!" Itachi sighed and picked up a spoon. _Well, I asked for it…_He thought as he raised the spoon to his lips.

Kisame groaned as he entered the base. He had a tough mission, and it took him a little longer than expected to complete. He schlepped towards the kitchen. Upon his arrival he saw a most curious sight. Itachi sat at the table eating the last spoonful of what Kisame hoped to be tomato soup, standing beside him, positively oozing joy was Tobi, with a slightly sugar encrusted mask.

His meal done, Itachi pushed his chair back from the table. He closed his eyes in order to relish the pleasing, though odd flavor of the soup. He licked his lips…funny, he didn't think tomato soup would be quite so sweet. Or grainy. Itachi's eyes snapped open. A smile tugged at his lips, Itachi wasn't quite sure why, but he suddenly wanted to thank Tobi for his meal by hugging him.

Kisame's eyes widened as the realization hit him. He grabbed Tobi by the collar. "What did you put in that soup?!" he roared, mentally praying that he wasn't correct. "Ah, its Tobi's secret recipe! You take one can of tomato soup and a pound of sugar and one cup of water and put mix 'em together in a pot!"

Kisame sank to the floor, Itachi danced over to Tobi and glomped him, much as Tobi had done to him earlier. "Tobi-kun!! You're the best!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" Itachi squealed. Kisame could only stare, eyes wide in fear. "I-I've got to go tellthe leader…" he murmured getting up shakily as Itachi ringed-around-the-rosy with Tobi.

_Later..._

"Its you!" Itachi squealed

"It looks nothing like me!!" Kakazu screamed

"But its got strings! Just like you!!" Itachi held up a crudely made plush doll. Kisame and the Leader could only stare. "And look at this!!" he cried pulling out a kunai and stabbing the doll in the gut. "Goh!" Kakazu grunted as he fell to the floor clutching his stomach. Everyone inched away from the smiling Uchiha. "I sure am good at voodooisum ain't I Kisame?" Kisame's eye twitched "Sure you are Itachi…sure you are…"

Itachi giggled madly and ran through the halls. Kisame heard a "fwoosh" and winced. Tobi walked around the corner and Kakazu gasped, Tobi's mask was half scorched and a few of the spikes in his hair were on fire. "Was Tobi a bad boy…?" Tobi coughed.

The door slammed open and Diedara winced. "Tobi! How many times have I told you not to come into my studi-" Diedara stopped short as he realized who he was addressing was Itachi, grinning broadly no less. "Hello Diedara-chan!" Diedara twitched. "I AM NOT A GIRL UN!!" Itachi smiled and skipped into Diedara's workshop, oblivious to the anger seething from the yellow haired ninja. He examined a fragile work of art. "But Diedara has such long pretty hair…" Normally Diedara would've questioned the mental heath of the smiling mass murderer, but he was still angry about the "chan" bit and therefore didn't care. He chucked a small bird at Itachi screaming "Katsu!"

Zetsu was walking down the hall when he saw Diedara's room explode. Well, not so much saw as felt, the effect was that his plant-appendages were burned away in the back, his hair singed, and him being knocked off his feet in the ensuing shockwave.

"Should we?" the white half asked

"No." his black side replied.

"We have to you know." The white half replied.

Both halves sighed

Zetsu got up and walked over to Diedara's room. He saw the blond man, standing in the rubble of his room, ponytail burned away, laughing manically. "That'll teach that stupid red-eyed bastard to mess with me!!" It was at that moment Itachi rose from the rubble laughing insanely. Apart from a layer of soot covering his face he was fine. "Y-you! But-…I…WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!" Itachi stuck his tongue out. "I'm invinshibibbble!!" Zetsu could only stare as the mysterious "Great Itachi Uchiha" ran from the rubble of Diedara's room with his arms outspread, making airplane noises. "Did he…get hit on the head or something?" Zetsu's white half asked "Let's hope so." His dark side replied.

Itachi ran with his eyes closed, enjoying the sheer fun of it. He hadn't felt this good since his last Christmas with his clan. Suddenly he remembered he had no family. He stopped and frowned, then shrugged, did it matter on such a fine day like this? He decided to pay Zetsu's plants a visit.

Zetsu sighed. He couldn't find that crazy Uchiha anywhere…And plus his "babies" were probably getting thirsty anyway…He opened the door to his greenhouse and gaped. Itachi had somehow fooled his Venus flytrap into trying to eat an Oreo. "Wh-what are you doing…?" Itachi looked up and smiled, he pointed to the suffering plant "That's how you were made!!" he shrieked joyfully. Zetsu felt a tingle down on his spine, he vaguely realized it was fear. He ran screaming from the crazy man. And people said HE was a freak.

Kisame ran into the ruins of Diedara's room, Diedara crawled up to him and clutched his leg. Tears streamed from his eyes. The he passed out. Pein and Kisame looked at each other and both came to the same conclusion. "Itachi was here."

Itachi spun through a green meadow laughing joyfully. Sasuke watched from the sidelines, glaring at his older brother with hate. He had to be planning something…Something having to do with skipping and laughing. It never occurred to him that Itachi might have just been having a good time, with his brother, everything had a purpose, everything had a million meanings within a million meanings. The idea hit him like a brick, a summoning! Itachi must be summoning something extremely powerful to kill him! Sasuke ruffled his hair nervously. He'd never known Itachi to summon anything…he was pretty sure that Itachi liked to fight his own battles but…Then it hit him. He was just so powerful that Itachi couldn't take care of him himself!! He grinned roguishly at his "brilliant" idea. That HAD to be the reason…

He paused, briefly wondering what Itachi would summon up…probably some kind of giant weasel or something. Sasuke giggled at the idea, and imagined tiny weasels in cheerleader costumes cheering Itachi on in the middle of a fight. He smacked himself. This was a serious matter, he needed to concentrate. Itachi continued to dance in the meadow, but now he was singing Numa Numa. Sasuke's face grew grim, this had to be a very evil creature indeed…

He charged from his hiding place, chidori in hand screaming for blood. Itachi looked briefly surprised to see his little brother, but then a grin spread on his face. Sasuke faltered slightly at this, but then refortified his hate by reminding himself that Itachi had killed his entire family. He continued his blindly reckless charge and ran straight into Itachi's outstretched arms. Panic engulfed him but then turned to confusion as his murderous older brother hugged the bejessus out of him.

"Sasuke!" Itachi shrieked, overjoyed. "Its been so long! Are you eating well? I'm so sorry I never write I'm just so busy!" Sasuke stared at his brother, eyes wide. He released his bone-crushing hug a little and looked Sasuke in the eye. "You're not eating well, you're skin and bones!" Sasuke was going to reply that being thin was a family trait and that his older brother wasn't too healthy looking either when Itachi sat his stunned sibling on the grass before him and rummaged in his cloak muttering "I know its in here somewhere…Ah! Here you are dear little brother! A present from your big bro!" He presented his gift to Sasuke with a flourish: A half melted chocolate bar with crispy bits.

"How did you know my favorite chocolate is the crispy kind?! How long have you been stalking me?? I bet that thing's poisoned isn't it!!" Sasuke shrieked. Itachi blinked in confusion. "But I'm your big brother…I have to know these things…I…thought you loved me…" Itachi started whimpering pathetically. Sasuke took a double-take, was this really his brother?! "I…ah…well…I'm sorry…I guess…I'll take the chocolate…" he forlornly reached forward and took the chocolate from Itachi. He chewed once, twice, silently wishing for the poison in the chocolate to kill him quickly just to get away from his brother's anxious and happy face. Sadly Sasuke's imaginary poison did not kill him and he was forced to face his older brother.

"Did you like it?" Itachi asked, jumping up and down like a small child in his excitement. "It was…ok…" Sasuke replied while his taste buds screamed _Okay, OKAY? THAT WAS **THE** BEST CHOCOLATE YOU'VE EVER EATEN **YOU PUNK**!_ Then Sasuke felt an itch on his arm, he scratched it, but it quickly became a burn. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!" Sasuke screamed. Itachi stared horrified at his little brother, who was swelling like a pufferfish. He quickly looked at the wrapper of the chocolate he gave his brother. _Uh-oh. _Itachi thought _Almonds…_He looked up at his inflating sibling. _And he's allergic…_ Itachi decided that it was probably a good idea to leave now. Sasuke's allergies weren't deadly, but his temper sure was.

"NO! I refuse to go back to that madhouse while that maniac still lives there!" Zetsu cried "C'mon! This insanity is only temporary, then he goes back to the regular, tolerable kind…" Kisame called back. Zetsu hugged the tree he was standing in a little harder. "No! I'm going back to my kin! I never should've left! You rotten humans suck!" Kisame sighed, "I know, always polluting the ocean and overfishing and…" Kisame trailed away as Pein gave him his (patented) Death Glare "Y'know," Pein commented "If I wasn't so sure I was a god, I'd take offence to that. As for you Zetsu, get down you pansy, we've got work to do and that tree hates you anyway. It says it wants you to stop trying to 'put the moves' on it." Finally after much coaxing and a few promises of raw steak, they finally got Zetsu down from his tree. The tree was much relieved, though Zetsu was not.

Itachi spun in the trees giggling madly. He hugged the weasel he had caught earlier. He'd affectionately named it "Mini-Me". Mini-Me desperately struggled against his captor, but to no avail. Itachi scratched Mini-me's head affectionately and looked around dazedly for something interesting. That's when Kisame bust out of the trees huffing and panting. He'd run ten miles straight but he'd finally caught Itachi. He stooped for a minute to catch his breath. When he lifted his head he found he was staring into the terrified eyes of a weasel. "His name is Mini-Me! Isn't he cute?" Itachi chimed. Kisame groaned, Itachi's madness had escalated, he must be on the height of his sugar rush…

He looked Itachi in the eye, something you shouldn't do unless you want to die several times in a row in the most painful ways imaginable. He saw madness in them, yes, but he also saw a hint of reason and a large amount of fatigue. He drew a ragged breath of relief, this would end soon…

"C'mon Itachi, lets go home…" Kisame reasoned. "No! You'll never take me alive copper!" Itachi screamed dancing around the fish-man. Aggravated and tired, Kisame decided to resort to violence. He swung his samehada at Itachi, aiming to kill, unfortunately for Kisame, Itachi's movements were erratic and the crazy Uchiha had not lost any of his usual speed or skill. Itachi laughed and continued to dance with death, just barely avoiding every blow, giggling madly. Kisame, in contrast, was charging like a raging bull, thirsting for blood, his face grim.

So the dance continued, until finally Kisame, exhausted and infuriated, threw his samehada at Itachi. Its struck a branch just above Itachi's head. Itachi laughed manically, and danced around the defeated Kisame. However, in the middle of a particularly fancy spin, he froze, as though suspended by strings, shudders ran through his body, and he fell on his face. Kisame walked over and rolled Itachi over with his foot. Itachi looked dead, but quiet snoring could be heard. Kisame sighed gratefully. It was over.

**END **(or is it?)

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_Uhh...Hi. This is my first fanfic so uh...sorry if it bites radioactive dust. If there's something I got wrong please tell me. I want to be as accurate as I can. Please Rate and Reveiw...I can't get any better if you don't tell me whats wrong..._


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